Poor Unfortunate Souls Pat Carroll

The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself.

Can you do that?

My dear, sweet child. That’s what I do. It’s what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that, in the past, I’ve been a nasty
They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a witch
But you’ll find that nowadays
I’ve mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch

True? Yes.

And I fortunately know a little magic
It’s a talent that I always have possessed
And here lately, please don’t laugh
I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely, and depressed

Pathetic.

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
This one longing to be thinner
That one wants to get the girl
And do I help them? Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to my cauldron
Crying, “Spells, Ursula, please!”
And I help them! Yes, I do

Now, it’s happened once or twice
Someone couldn’t pay the price
And I’m afraid I had to rake ’em ‘cross the coals
Yes, I’ve had the odd complaint
But on the whole, I’ve been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls

Now, here’s the deal: I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? Three days. Now listen, this is important: before the sun sets on the third day, you’ve got to get dear ol’ princey to fall in love with you, that is, he’s got to kiss you; not just any kiss, the kiss of True Love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you’ll remain human permanently! But, if he doesn’t, you turn back into a mermaid and… you belong to me!

No, Ariel!

Have we got a deal?

If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again.

That’s right! But, you’ll have, your man. Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it? Oh! And there is, one…more…thing! We haven’t discussed the subject of payment. You can’t get something for nothing, you know?

But I don’t have any—

I’m not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You’ll never even miss it. What I want from you is… your voice

My voice?

You’ve got it, sweet cakes. No more talking, singing, zip!

But without my voice, how can I—

You’ll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don’t underestimate the importance of a body language, ha!

The men up there don’t like a lot of blabber
They think a girl who gossips is a bore
Yes, on land it’s much preferred
For ladies not to say a word
And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for?
Come on, they’re not all that impressed with conversation
True gentlemen avoid it when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady who’s withdrawn
It’s she who holds her tongue who gets a man

Come on, you poor unfortunate soul
Go ahead, make your choice!
I’m a very busy woman
And I haven’t got all day
It won’t cost much
Just your voice!
You poor unfortunate soul
It’s sad, but true
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet
You’ve got to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll!
Flotsam, Jetsam, now I’ve got her, boys!
The boss is on a roll!
This poor unfortunate soul

Beluga, sevruga
Come winds of the Caspian Sea!
Larengix glaucitis
Et max laryngitis
La voce to me!

Now, sing.

Ah, ah
Ah, ah
Ah, ah

Keep singing!

Ah, ah, ah, ah…